I thought it might be nice to share with you a little of Doug and I’s hearts, why we are so passionate for these orphans, and have made the decisions we have. Some of you friends have been with us since the year 2011 when our little family was faced with a crossroads. But many of you, I have had the pleasure of getting to know you and your families or been reconnected with old friends through social media, since this time. I will try to give you the cliff note version, but a whole lot of living and moments have shaped Doug and I to the point at which we are today. Do you ever reflect back on your own life, and see a couple significant life events that you know were instrumental in shaping who you are today? I definitely can name a couple within my life! (but that could be a whole other blog post ☺)
Doug and I got a late start in our lives together as husband and wife, and therefore started having our family late as well. We were blessed with one biological son, but after Jace, we struggled with fertility. After a year and a half of failed fertility treatments and two miscarriages, we decided to stop turning to man and medicine to help us conceive and give it to God. That’s when things really changed for us. We ended up getting pregnant to our surprise and almost disbelief, but this pregnancy was not a normal pregnancy story……
At the 18wk ultrasound the maternal fetal medicine specialist saw a small hole in her heart and was slightly concerned. He did not suspect a chromosomal abnormality because he didn’t see any other markers that would suggest it. But he recommended an amniocentesis to rule it out. He encouraged me that if it was just a hole in the heart, we could seek prenatal care and be better prepared for when she was born. That is all I needed to hear. We would fix it and she would be OK.
Two long days later I got the call from the genetic counselor that my quick test had come back a definitive chromosomal abnormality- Trisomy 18. “I’m so sorry, Denise.” she said. My heart sunk. ”What does that mean?” I said. She explained that it was a very rare chromosomal abnormality that occurred only 1/5,000. It was more prevalent in older mothers, but not a genetic connection between my husband and me. It just happens sometimes. She said this chromosomal abnormality was different than all others in that it was incompatible with life. I remember, I just dropped and started wailing. Not again! I asked her if it could be wrong? Was there a chance that the final results which were due back in two weeks would say something different? She explained that there were some Trisomy 18’s that were mosaics and they could live, but a much-shortened life expectancy and multiple medical difficulties. She said that my baby was most likely NOT one of these. At this time, I bartered with God. I would do anything for my child to have Down’s syndrome, Spina Bifida, but not “incompatible with life!” The counselor told me she would most likely not make it to term and I would miscarry. “You have the choice to terminate this pregnancy,” she said to me. “What does that mean terminate my pregnancy? How does that work? Is that abortion?” Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be faced with this decision.
I am an Occupational Therapist, so I work in healthcare. I see large amounts of money spent on medical care. I have had very strong convictions about quality of life and end of life decisions when it comes to the elderly and for my own father after his closed head injury. But now I was faced with a decision with the opposite spectrum of life, and OUR child that we so desperately wanted. I worried over the vast medical problems and expenses we would accrue if she did make it to term and delivery. The medical expenses and care she would most likely require if she did live past birth would be great. My husband and I sought counsel from our Christian friends. Fortunately, I only waivered and wrestled with Satan on this for about a week. Once Doug and I decided to see this out and put it in God’s hands a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. A good friend of mine told me, “Denise you were chosen to carry this baby. God has a plan for you and her life. If you close this door, you won’t allow Him to show his works and maybe make a miracle.” This resonated with me my entire pregnancy and still does today.
Throughout the pregnancy, I never regretted the decision to carry Ayla, and the Lord gave us the grace to handle the hard twists and turns. She was not supposed to make it to term but defied the Dr’s every step of the way! She was a very strong little girl. I think every two weeks when I went to my Dr’s appointment and they still heard the heartbeat they were surprised. They prepared us that only 50% make it through the delivery alive. And if she did we would most likely only have a couple hours with her. So, we made every preparation to be prepared for every second we might have with her. During my pregnancy, we picked out and bought her plot. We planned her graveside burial. I lined up a seamstress to make Ayla a dress to be buried in out of my wedding gown. We contacted a volunteer organization that photographs stillborn infants (NLMTDS) to be there and take pictures when I delivered. I needed to be prepared. I mean how often do we have to try and capture a lifetime of moments into possibly only seconds or a couple hours.
The doctors let me go 41 wks. because they wanted me to go into labor naturally. They wanted to avoid having to do a C-section if at all possible because I would want to be awake and coherent for when she was born if I was only going to have minutes or hrs. with her alive. I ended up having to be induced, October 13, 2011 (3 days after my 40th birthday) but it went quickly. I think every nurse from the floor, the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), students and even my genetic counselor were present for the delivery. But I didn’t care – she was born ALIVE and looked perfect! Two of the NICU doctors said, had they not been told she was Trisomy 18, they would have never suspected. She was beautiful! She was perfect to us! Her life had value.
She was strong considering her chromosomal differences. Her O2 saturations and heart rate were not normal but were as suspected for an infant with a significant Ventricular Septum Defect (VSD). We spent a week in the NICU where they taught us how to feed her through a nasogastric tube, perform suctioning, read her monitors, learn positioning for her optimal feeding and breathing- prepared us as best they could to take her home. We never thought or had been prepared that we would be going home with her! The medical staff just kept telling us to “live in the moment” as best we could because we did not know how long we were going to have with her. Family and friends all scrambled to help get our home and supplies ready to bring our little miracle home. We set up in our family room because that had the most room for her monitors, O2 concentrator, suction machine and couches for us and family to sleep on. Ayla required 24hr care but nobody minded. We took shifts after a while. Every day was a celebration of another blessed day with our Sweet Ayla. Oh, we had our scares, complications, and hospitalizations but I would have gladly cared for her the rest of my life had it been in God’s plan, but it wasn’t. The Lord blessed us beyond ours and doctors’ expectations, she lived for 2 ½ months. She was with us for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Ayla passed away in my arms at home 7:00am December 30, 2011.
Ayla touched so many lives in her short time here on earth. I know my family and friends that had the privilege of meeting her are forever changed because of her. We did everything we could to give her life honor and quality that she deserved. And we would have continued to do whatever it took had it been in God’s plan
Ayla showed Doug and me about the depth and magnitude of our love and role as parents. We have so much to give. I thank God every day for my wonderful husband and my beautiful family. I can even thank God for blessing us with Ayla. It is because of her, our heaven-sent angel, that Doug and I then decided to look into adoption- special needs adoption. And look at us NOW! Reflecting back now in 2017, our first adoption with Tingzi (2013) was such a “magical” and miraculous process. We had a wonderful adoption journey and experience in country. I remember when they placed that beautiful baby girl in my arms, I just wept. I felt so grateful and even rewarded for my obedience to Him with Ayla. We visited her orphanage, walked the streets of her province. Once we smelled the smells, experienced their culture, tasted their foods, saw the people and how they live as compared to us in the US- we could never forget. We don’t want to ever forget! After all, a piece of our hearts is in China now because we have been blessed with the gift of our daughter Tingzi. We will never forget the site of the orphanage and all the children so desperate for attention and in need of medical interventions. We wanted to do more! We had not even left China, and I remember telling our guide we would be back if at all possible to adopt again. A year after being home with Tingzi, we decided we were ready to start the process again. Our second adoption was with a different placing agency than our first. The experience was different but still remarkable and we were matched with another beautiful girl, Lanzi. These girls have just blended into our family rather seamlessly and our love for them is as great as if I had given birth to them. The three of them all quarrel like biological siblings would. They also have some of the most tender moments that Doug and I will exchange glances with each other as to say, “this is why we did this.” And to think that these two beautiful girls were orphans. Their parents had to do the unthinkable sacrifice and abandon their child so they might have a better life or even a chance at life. My heart just aches for their Mother. I can’t even comprehend such a decision. I hope somehow, she knows her child is loved and adored beyond measure. And we are the blessed ones to be able to love and watch these precious children grow.
Our life is busy with three children and Doug and I both working full time jobs. I can’t say that after this second adoption, that we planned on adopting again. People would ask me or my family if we were going to adopt again and I would simply respond, “I learned a long time ago to never say never, but I very much doubt it.” My social network has grown since our first adoption in 2013. The adoption community on social media is very large and a very supportive group. Advocates post about waiting children multiple times a day. I have always clicked and read about some and others just followed the thread of comments/inquiries. In January, I saw the advocacy post of our little boy in the waiting child group. Of course, I thought he was precious and even captivating to ME; so I “liked” the post so I could follow all the thread of comments. Really didn’t think much more to this at this time…. he was with a different placing agency than mine, and again we had not planned or were not looking to adopt again. Weeks passed. I can’t really explain it, but I kept thinking about him, and checking to see what people were commenting/asking about him. After a couple months, I finally strummed up enough courage to request reviewing the file. Upon reviewing the file, I thought “we could do this!” I noticed his birthdate was in October. (I thought……. what if his birthdate was the same as Ayla’s…?) I started researching his medical condition, called another Mom of a child adopted from China with Thalassemia. Why was I doing all this, if we had NO intentions of adopting again? I called our insurance company, pharmaceutical company, and local children’s hospital to get his file reviewed. Everything was lining up, and feeling very do-able for our family. I let the agency he was with know that we were seriously interested in moving forward with him if they would transfer his file to our agency. But they said “No” at this time due to the fact that there were other families from their agency that had expressed interest in him too. Transferring files does not happen too often between agencies. So, I knew I was asking a lot from them, but it is done in some circumstances. As I had been researching his condition and our resources for his care, I had been praying for clarity in thinking as to whether we were being called to adopt again. But now my prayer changed to “If this was our son and He wanted him in OUR family, that He would continue to open the doors and make a way for his file to be transferred.” Skipping ahead a couple months and leaving out some details……., we had been told “No, not at this time”, a couple more times. Then only two days after my fourth “No,” I got a call and an email from my agency telling me they had the file and to call them immediately. What!?!?! They have the file! They transferred his file to us? Things just got real, really QUICK! I of course called my agency back to hear about how/why the transfer took place. She told me that China had only given them/us the file for 48hrs, and we must submit Letter of Intent for him within that time or his file will be returned to the original agency. As she was telling me this over the phone, I was sitting in my car in a parking lot and the song “This Is Home” by Switchfoot was playing on the radio. (I am not making this up) Those of us in the adoption community know what a popular and beautiful song this is about adoption. We even used it in Lanzi’s adoption video that Doug made. My caseworker apologized for us having to make such a hasty decision, and asked if we really were ready to do this. I couldn’t help but share with her the song that was playing in the background as she was talking to me. Well if this song and the transferring of his file weren’t signs and ‘open doors’ from God, I’m not sure what is! I said, “YES, let’s bring him HOME!”
Doug and I feel as though we have been being shaped and pruned for this path less traveled, all along! We have been stretched in our comfort levels of medical needs that we feel as a family we can take on, and our idea of FAMILY and what that looks like and how we live is different now than when we first got married. (John 14:18) “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” (Isaiah 6:8) “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send ME.’”
Son, now that we found you, you are not alone- baby “This Is HOME” ………
